A friend once told me that in the world of astrologers when Mercury is in retrograde (which means that it appears to the naked eye to be travelling backwards) all kinds of difficulties in the area of communication show up. I’ll bet if I were to check – which I’m not going to – Mercury has been in retrograde for a while now! Tonight my computer just stopped dead twice. Earlier this week I have been hassling with two of the City Team members, and other stuff has been breaking down or messing up, like the car door switch not working.
Just the same, aside from the pain being pretty bad all week, the most recent weeks of my life have been very powerful. For example, tonight on the way home from Newmarket, and while getting caught in a snowstorm, and while my hips and feet were tired and starting to hurt, Mike and I still had a very creative conversation around renaming our peace/Inclusion organization and around structuring it, resourcing it, etc.
My capacity to express myself is clearly shifting. I can see a kind of progression from black and white to shades of gray to colours breaking out. I find myself with the ability to experience compassion and to experience all sorts of things without needing to severely judge. I find myself laughing, and even genuinely being funny sometimes.
I am in the midst of a Landmark seminar called Sex and Intimacy. I came to it very reluctantly and mostly because I’ve been complaining for years that I don’t have a sexual partner and certainly not a lover. It is extremely ironic that I, who is absent of willing partners to support me to have a sexual expression, have been avidly sought out this last year by people who want to know more about sexuality and the experience of being physically limited in mobility. I am sure this has lots to do with the play – the Book of Judith. But even here, expression is breaking out. When I was interviewed for the Trillium funding research project on personal assistance and supporting sexual expression, I was asked very powerful questions about the nature of personal assistance and what it is like to be assisted. I felt genuinely free and grounded in answering these questions and left one of the interviewers moved to tears. I was clearly in the zone of my personal gifts.
It is emerging in the Sex and Intimacy seminar that one of my major blocks has been what we call in Landmark a winning formula. It works for me to be a strategist who builds my efforts on eliminating the likelihood of failure. In other words I always have at least one back up plan and often two in case something is not working out in my life. This way of thinking is very helpful for dealing with issues like staff people not showing up because they got ill overnight or breakdowns in my wheelchair, my car or my own body. However, it is from such a world view what clearly shows up for me is failure. In other words, when you first buy a Chevrolet, all you see is Chevrolets, or when you first find out you’re pregnant, suddenly you are surrounded by strollers. I have been causing myself to experience failure in the area of my sexual expression.
So I have decided to play a game with myself. I am going to start dating again. In fact, I promised to have one date this week. Anybody know of anybody I could go on a coffee date with??? Helen came up with a brilliant idea that if the date goes well, no problem, but if the guy turns out to be boring or annoying then I can write a story about it in my blog. Either way, it gets to be expression and I get out of the failure loop.
It also solves a problem of what to keep writing about in this blog. I do not believe I can get back to the once a day schedule, but I believe I can get this out twice a week.
Anyways, that’s it for now. I am going to bed.
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