March 18, 2011

I realize that I have fallen far from the standard of writing every day in this blog. It begs the question – is this something I am still committed to, and if so, what am I prepared to do to keep it up.

This blog was born in a desire to express myself free from the constraints of my imagined response from readers. “Just put it out there – the hell with what I think they think about it!” this dichotomy soon proved to be false, and what was left was the growing courage to say what I had/have to say.

I would never have imagined that I lacked courage, but still its absence and now its presence – or growing presence – is apparent to me. It’s not about courage to speak/write but about courage to create a space where what “I” say can live beyond my immediate being. It’s about the willingness to be judged openly, to be sifted, to have some given the ongoing listening that will have it continue and some annihilated.

I see that I am a leader and that I have been unwilling to see that I am a leader.

I see that I am powerful and that I have been unwilling to see that I am powerful.

I see that I am angry and that I have been unwilling to see that I am angry.

I see that I am faithful and that I have been unwilling to admit that I am faithful.

Recently it has become occasionally apparent to me that there really is no “win” or “lose”. Win/lose is a useful model when one is young. Just like we teach 8 year olds that arithmetic IS mathematics, we teach ourselves to play life’s game as a win/lose struggle. But arithmetic is a small and insipid model of reality inside a vast set of models that we call mathematics which is in itself just one sort of approach to creating models of “it all”.

As I continue to manifest the complex set of human possibilities that I call Inclusion I am growing in my power and willingness to have it be as I say it can be. And, of course, I am not alone.

My anger is currently a curious phenomenon to me. I am angry most often when a promise isn’t kept. Outward judgement keeps me from noticing when I refuse to make a promise or don’t notice that I have made one or fail to be responsible when I don’t keep my own promises.

Most of my life my anger has been much more apparent to others than to me, and, of course, that sort of illusion is a great source of mischief. It has been like I could not let myself notice my power because I was afraid I would use it angrily and do harm. But “harm” is in a similar realm as “win/lose”. The creative and destructive forces of Shiva are permanently infused into each other.

As I see that I can be powerful and responsible I also see that others can be powerful and responsible. I do not have to tell them how to be or take care of them – simply call them into being.

Imagine a world where, by the age of seven or so, we were all calling each other to fully be and to responsibly hold together the spaces within which we can all be. Wouldn’t that be Inclusion?