October 29 2010

My birthday, cycle 3, 1

Well I made it – I am thoroughly launched.

My friend, Jay, left early this afternoon after we shared a wonderful birthday breakfast made by Rose, Dom and Felicia – Helen here too, fetching, carrying, feeding and cleaning. This, as well as another amazing massage, started my day with perfection. The leaving time is difficult, as Jay is returning to Phoenix and his family, and who knows when I will see him again.

It is joyful to have Felicia here. She is one of those people I wrote about yesterday, who has the freedom to be fully self expressed without the necessity to engage in boundary setting, negotiations, planning and economic activity. Paradoxically it seems that Felicia is about to become the coordinator of Laser Eagles. The current one just quit. Everyone on the board thinks it’s wonderful idea. Felicia has her own money and her own staff and loves painting and is a regular attendee of the programme, and so she brings with her everything that is required to make it work, especially the understanding of how important this is to the artists. It is as if I have been given a new partner in one of my favourite expressions in life.

Jay and I had many conversations over the 2 days. It’s so funny how – well at least I’ll speak for myself – I approach the difficult conversations indirectly and it takes so long to get to the truth. But the 48 hours was good enough.

I have come to see something that makes a huge shift in how I see myself both as an actor in life and as a generator of intimate relationship. Jay pointed out how many people depend on me, not in the sense of abuse or manipulation but in the sense of anchoring a stable set of commitments and resources. I realise that there are many possible layers of intimacy and of contribution. Most of the people in my life, and perhaps myself, have settled for and even stolen the first layer, imagining that that is all that is available. They have (I have?) settled for taking the superficial and going no further.

A new approach that is open to me is to give freely the first level and also to make it clear to people that much much more is available. However to access these other levels real agreements and commitments must be made because one cannot pour out endlessly without the existence of mirrors that help one guide oneself, learn and see clearly into the depths of a not yet created future.

Practically speaking it looks like entering inclusion projects, like the video game project we are creating with WPIT, by saying to academics and organizational people, “You have seen the tip of the iceberg of what is possible and you are welcome to take it freely and shape it back into your own ideas if you wish. However if you want to truly take this potentially powerful tool and have it grow as an inclusive opportunity to shift the culture, you must enter into contracts with me that allow me to be sustained and to continuously work at keeping it inclusive.” In terms of my own personal relationships it’s a matter of saying: I loved something in you, and you loved something in me, and this is good and freely given. But much much more is available in my heart. If you want to build this we both must have the courage to commit to something greater than the superficial.

Somehow this is a very big shift for me, perhaps because I love so easily, but also because I want so much for people to see what inclusion can bring. I was unaware until yesterday how much I have participated in keeping people at the superficial level of engagement and in so doing have created my own loneliness and frustration. It is good to see it now as I don’t think cycle 3 could continue without a more respectful and firm foundation.

This is a powerful birthday present to myself. At this moment it brings a certain sense of fear, but that is only because I’m just beginning again – the anticipation fear of a new road just taken. It passes. It is not a problem.