Frustration looks like not being able to remember a Morse Code symbol that allows me to type on my own at my computer, and having to find the chart and look it up even though I have known this symbol since 1986. Impatience looks like the fifth day in a row of birthday celebrations and wishing it would STOP. Annoyance looks like my personal assistant making the same small mistakes and faux pas and being alert enough to feel thwarted!
This is exactly what I wish I weren’t! It seems that the recovery of energy, awareness and drive brings with it the restoration of an impatient, grumpy Judith – not satisfied, not blissful. I expect this isn’t news to anyone who knows me well.
I notice as well that now that I know some people are reading these posts, I am writing them with my imaginary audience in mind. This was not the original idea! The idea was/is to play with EXPRESSION, not COMMUNICATION! Of course there is no actual boundary that divides what I express as my genuine self and what I say, write, paint, etc. “in order to” have a certain influence on someone or something. Nevertheless it is clearly sneaking in – the question: “What will others think of this?”
One way this happens is through others’ queries. As soon as I have figured out something of my own expression it is likely that someone will ask me something like: “How is it going?” or “What do you think about…?” and my recently acquired expression/insight is a natural part of the response – I would have to keep perfect silence to create a boundary in this process!
Another pressure that reinforces the drift from expression to communication is that while I have being resting, pondering, lying around certain dreams have become clearer, like my passion to continue to have trackers and to paint. As this is clarified the recent interruptions in the meetings of the Laser Eagles Art Guild, and the fact that I no longer have a regular tracker become urgent circumstances that I intensely want to do something about. Instantaneously communication – “What can WE do about this?” is called forth in me.
So we are really not separate are we?!? Passion leads to negotiation – a continuous flow of energy among us.
In case you are wondering – Hi there audience! – life has been very busy during these past few days. This morning I dealt with finishing putting up the blog and various requirements from email. Then I got up to meet with my lunch companions, Alice and Philip Natiuk, along with Mike who was my personal assistant most of this weekend. We paused in our eating to welcome Elizabeth Chan and her husband Robin. Robin brought some homemade beef barley soup and we feasted some more. The common link among these people is inclusion so we talked for a good hour and a half about WPIT and the BMX Model of Inclusion. By this time my brave attempt to sit up without morphine collapsed and I had my first dose of the day.
By the way it’s not really brave, I realize, to refuse pain medication when one is most certainly going to be in pain, but as I have said before, the dulling edge of morphine interrupts a lot of what I like to do and so I foolishly keep trying to get along without it.
Soon after they left, Kevin arrived and Mike, Kevin and I and later on Peter as well, talked about how to design inclusion-based video games. This is a new project that is rapidly taking on real structure inside of WPIT. When Mike’s shift was near its end, Kimberly arrived to pick him up and so we talked about revitalizing Laser Eagles, for ten minutes or so.
The evening is quieter but not without its moments. Lorraine called and we talked about another of her friends who is ill, about my birthday parties and about my upcoming test on Tuesday. Oh yeah, at 9:00 this morning Bill Worrell and I reviewed the questions that he is going to ask the urologist before I go into the clinic.
So this was my day of rest!
As you can see I’m not really shifting gears as much as might be good for me at this time, and in particular in a way that might lead me to be less outwardly driven. Cycle 2 is very much alive and kicking at this moment inside of Cycle 3.
Well, I’m not going to do anything about it tonight. I do believe that the process of writing these two pages will eventually lead me to an opening, or more than one, to create inner balance. The quest has not dropped off my agenda.
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