I apologize to readers. Last night I forgot to blog! Just plain forgot until I was already in bed.
In some ways, since I blogged about the prison cells collected outside my window, I have lived a rather drunk, rather surreal life. Not literally drunk – I have had no alcohol and very little Morphine. Rather I have thrown my hat thoroughly into Cycle 3 and now it is simply unfolding. With this come demands – on my time, listening, focus, energy, stamina, words. There are demands from my assistants, ACF, ODSP, the Marsha Forest Centre, the Wisdom City Team, from my circle, my body, Father, WPIT, e-mail, Laser Eagles, the ROM?, the Book of Judith. I am not complaining – just spinning!
It all stems from taking myself seriously – perhaps way too seriously. I continue to imagine that I can transform the world by transforming how diversity is valued and included. Mike and I saw “The King’s Speech” again tonight, and though I waiver between whether I am more like George or Lionel I know (as in KNOW) I have an essential part in a drama much bigger than myself. Everything speaks to me as a potential means of finding a pathway to peace through Inclusion so I can turn down very little these days. That, and the ongoing search for $$’s, keeps prodding me on.
This morning Mike and I met with ACF and their poverty reduction champions and this afternoon with old and new members of the ACF Board and the Inclusion Circle. In all we met for over six hours. Mike was still raring to go after it all, but I was exhausted. For me the morning was mainly about listening, and listening to mainly whining, grieving and nostalgia for days when organizing seemed clearer. Listening took place on top of my own weary concern with feeling like once again I am being drawn into strategies that don’t work,
In the afternoon I felt the need to speak up about how it seems that ACF has not implemented the Inclusion Task Force recommendations. That and other people’s stuff led to a much livelier energy. However, at the end of the day (literally), it still remains in the hands of others to decide when, who and for what end this process will continue.
Going into the movie I lined up behind a young woman who is familiar to me from the Wisdom Course. Coming out we ran into a woman and her friend/supporter, both of whom were active twenty-five years ago in some committee or other that I was part of, probably the Ontario Advocacy Coalition. I felt that a certain element of safety and familiarity was added back into my day. In particular the woman who has a long term cognitive difference after a brain haemorrhage that she had in 1970 brought back the joyful sense that life is to be celebrated. She is just the sort of person I want to bring to lunch with ACF – Mary Lou, Miriam, Chloe, Greg and Felicia – the people who show me over and over again that it is way more effective in the end to stop trying to fix everything, and to enjoy the food, the company and the movie.
Speaking of lunch, I had the best roast beef sandwich I think I have ever had in my life. I could chew and swallow every bite, and I ate the WHOLE thing.
Showing posts with label circle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label circle. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Sunday, January 16, 2011
January 16, 2011
Within myself and within my circle there is an argument about how to unfold WPIT. By the way I think we are close to changing the name – to something like Include.Me.org.
My certainties are based in some simple stories. They are stories from my own experience. Of course there is nothing unusual about this. All humans build their lives from their experience, their stories within the contexts provided by culture.
The story of my Father and the binding of ancient female children’s feet provides me with certainty that Inclusion can only be built on a foundation of Giftedness. His story of the killing of children with Down Syndrome (when I was 6) gives me the understanding that I have a “mission” and – more recently – that there must be an economic foundation to our approach to Inclusion. My encounter with the reality of God’s love when I was twelve gives me a greater understanding that I have a unique path, and that there will always be a way for me to enjoy my life, be fulfilled and bring about Inclusion. Then there was the day Dad told me to pay attention to where my clean laundry went, and I began to see that I could direct my support, and so the relationships and tasks of the daily life that would be my journey.
I am uncertain where the idea that peace is available through Inclusion comes from. There is no stellar tale. This frustrates me and is perhaps the cause of the slow development of this “project”. In the 80’s and 90’s an aggregate of stories coalesced in my experience and I began to see the potential socio-political transformation that would lead to greater peacefulness as communities became more inclusive.
To me it is not about personal peace although that is tied in and important. It is about cultural peacefulness. After all, the Scotties, Felicias and Eddies are everywhere and if their Giftedness is included powerfully, peace will break out everywhere!
Without a strong story I am not communicating powerfully. So it grows slowly and has weak roots.
I have been looking for a strong enough story. I have been hoping that I could find or build it through research. Apparently this approach is too weak. I must find it more clearly in my own stories and experience.
Perhaps it resides with my Mother. This seems unlikely.
So tonight I commit myself to give birth to a story that links Peace and Inclusion so powerfully that people’s hearts will be opened. Gloria’s message to me tonight is that I will not find that story in research, economics or my head. The story must reach those understandings, but it must be anchored in my heart.
Right now the story is simply missing. There clearly a space and a need for it, but where the story should be – in my mouth and heart – there is simply silence. Of course, silence – my silence – is the perfect place to begin the exploration! The path has always been linked to silence.
Perhaps tomorrow I will meet the person who will show me where the story lies within me.
My certainties are based in some simple stories. They are stories from my own experience. Of course there is nothing unusual about this. All humans build their lives from their experience, their stories within the contexts provided by culture.
The story of my Father and the binding of ancient female children’s feet provides me with certainty that Inclusion can only be built on a foundation of Giftedness. His story of the killing of children with Down Syndrome (when I was 6) gives me the understanding that I have a “mission” and – more recently – that there must be an economic foundation to our approach to Inclusion. My encounter with the reality of God’s love when I was twelve gives me a greater understanding that I have a unique path, and that there will always be a way for me to enjoy my life, be fulfilled and bring about Inclusion. Then there was the day Dad told me to pay attention to where my clean laundry went, and I began to see that I could direct my support, and so the relationships and tasks of the daily life that would be my journey.
I am uncertain where the idea that peace is available through Inclusion comes from. There is no stellar tale. This frustrates me and is perhaps the cause of the slow development of this “project”. In the 80’s and 90’s an aggregate of stories coalesced in my experience and I began to see the potential socio-political transformation that would lead to greater peacefulness as communities became more inclusive.
To me it is not about personal peace although that is tied in and important. It is about cultural peacefulness. After all, the Scotties, Felicias and Eddies are everywhere and if their Giftedness is included powerfully, peace will break out everywhere!
Without a strong story I am not communicating powerfully. So it grows slowly and has weak roots.
I have been looking for a strong enough story. I have been hoping that I could find or build it through research. Apparently this approach is too weak. I must find it more clearly in my own stories and experience.
Perhaps it resides with my Mother. This seems unlikely.
So tonight I commit myself to give birth to a story that links Peace and Inclusion so powerfully that people’s hearts will be opened. Gloria’s message to me tonight is that I will not find that story in research, economics or my head. The story must reach those understandings, but it must be anchored in my heart.
Right now the story is simply missing. There clearly a space and a need for it, but where the story should be – in my mouth and heart – there is simply silence. Of course, silence – my silence – is the perfect place to begin the exploration! The path has always been linked to silence.
Perhaps tomorrow I will meet the person who will show me where the story lies within me.
Monday, January 3, 2011
January 3, 2011
There is a little tug-o’-war going on in me these days. The “I don’t wanna’s” are pretty strong – I don’t wanna:
- fundraise
- have a support circle
- cut down on gluten and drink more fluids – not caffeinated ones at that
- invite people to the Completion Evening of Wisdom
- catch up on e-mail
- set up paying gigs for February and March
- get my eyes checked
- etc.
I DO wanna too, and generally I am doing a little better than 50% which is the level I was at for years.
Why the ambivalence? Well, besides not wanting to “stick out” I realized as I was waking up this morning that I have been reluctant to be honest and open about my life-long sense, strong and clear since I was twelve, that I have a personal relationship with God and that God has given me a mission – to create Inclusion, especially so that people who don’t speak can be seen and supported as contributors to society.
But this is a fact for me – one that has shaped all my life. Still I cannot imagine saying in public, or in front of my circle, certainly not frequently and bravely: “Got wants this and I want to do it!”
This reluctance to sound like a religious weirdo constantly gives strength to the “I don’t wanna’s”. It’s better to not stick out, but rather to look like I’m motivated by good thinking and research, to seem like I just want the same things as most people.
But probably I am not fooling anybody anyway. Clearly I DON’T want the same things as most people!
Being at the Terracotta Warriors exhibit last Friday reinforced deeply for me the realization that most people do not know that there is an alternative path to peace besides war. The visible evidence was impactful - that fighting for a stable society and community with abundance and opportunity for all is a way of every culture that goes back multiple millennia. It was also powerfully clear that this way is wasteful, bloody and ineffective.
The other clear message was that history takes no account of the needs, desires or contributions of ordinary people. They live and die hearing that their sole contribution to peace on earth is to support war, up to losing the lives of loved ones and themselves.
I have another way. It takes many ordinary people to build and sustain Inclusion. The good news is that when they do so they also build abundant economy and community, and eliminate the fear and inadequacy that lead to war.
Can I gather enough courage, faith, people and resources to get the message across so that all ordinary people know they have a choice and they know how to implement that choice?
- fundraise
- have a support circle
- cut down on gluten and drink more fluids – not caffeinated ones at that
- invite people to the Completion Evening of Wisdom
- catch up on e-mail
- set up paying gigs for February and March
- get my eyes checked
- etc.
I DO wanna too, and generally I am doing a little better than 50% which is the level I was at for years.
Why the ambivalence? Well, besides not wanting to “stick out” I realized as I was waking up this morning that I have been reluctant to be honest and open about my life-long sense, strong and clear since I was twelve, that I have a personal relationship with God and that God has given me a mission – to create Inclusion, especially so that people who don’t speak can be seen and supported as contributors to society.
But this is a fact for me – one that has shaped all my life. Still I cannot imagine saying in public, or in front of my circle, certainly not frequently and bravely: “Got wants this and I want to do it!”
This reluctance to sound like a religious weirdo constantly gives strength to the “I don’t wanna’s”. It’s better to not stick out, but rather to look like I’m motivated by good thinking and research, to seem like I just want the same things as most people.
But probably I am not fooling anybody anyway. Clearly I DON’T want the same things as most people!
Being at the Terracotta Warriors exhibit last Friday reinforced deeply for me the realization that most people do not know that there is an alternative path to peace besides war. The visible evidence was impactful - that fighting for a stable society and community with abundance and opportunity for all is a way of every culture that goes back multiple millennia. It was also powerfully clear that this way is wasteful, bloody and ineffective.
The other clear message was that history takes no account of the needs, desires or contributions of ordinary people. They live and die hearing that their sole contribution to peace on earth is to support war, up to losing the lives of loved ones and themselves.
I have another way. It takes many ordinary people to build and sustain Inclusion. The good news is that when they do so they also build abundant economy and community, and eliminate the fear and inadequacy that lead to war.
Can I gather enough courage, faith, people and resources to get the message across so that all ordinary people know they have a choice and they know how to implement that choice?
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
December 15, 2010
I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this.
Childish, isn’t it?!?
It’s been one of those days. The good part was that I went to the pain clinic again and got to try a TENS machine. I was quite doubtful, but the 20 minutes I did spend on it were quite comfortable. I can see that it can be made easily portable. Perhaps it is a useful way to make travelling in airplanes doable again.
Other than that, Helen was sick, and because we only have cell phones around here, nobody knew until 15 minutes into her shift. It was a big disruption to Mike and then Peter jumped in. It’s been a long time since Peter did a day shift. Basically I was pretty tired by the time his 6 hours were up. He was going to go out but he was tired too and fell asleep. Then Mike got stuck in a traffic jam and I was alone, in pain again, for 2 hours.
I didn’t do the stuff I should have done. It reminds me of January when all I could do was sit and play Freecell because my brain was too bloody tired to imagine doing anything else. Probably I should just go to bed!
I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I keep trying to make things work – to fix the broken systems. For years we’ve used a manual that we wrote ourselves, and that I update regularly, performance reviews at least once a year, sometimes more often, mentors for the staff, circle meetings, circle teleconferences, etc. In the end, things get fucked up just about as much as when I don’t bother. It probably would be a lot more helpful to me personally if I just accepted that things get fucked up. I haven’t been left stranded since about 1975, I haven’t died, I still have a home and don’t have to declare bankruptcy yet, lots of people admire my work and are inspired by me – and so far so good – I can still pay my staff. I can imagine that I could be satisfied. But I’m not! I’m grumpy!
I think it’s the money thing. I have written about it before a couple of times. Money used to come quite easily to me even though I took no particular pains to hang on to it. Now, it’s always a one month to the next thing. Largely I am very successful. 15 months in this apartment and the rent has been paid on time each and every month. Just the same, I get anxious when I can’t see beyond two weeks from now. I feel like I’ve lost my luck or my nerve or something. I get brought down by that funny feeling that somehow I’m not carrying my weight. I am, but I don’t feel like it.
It’s ridiculous and I know it and I’m almost ashamed to admit it. However, the weight is there in my head, in my words, in my language, in my thinking and in other people’s way of thinking and it has somehow crept into me.
It is my intention to not pay any more attention to it, and in fact to create something much more empowering. It is my intention to be at peace, and not brought down by this invented sense of scarcity.
At the same time, there is work to be done to find and/or raise the money that I need, and I’m not doing the work. That is what must change. That is what I am committed to.
Change is kind of a sneaky beast. I was looking out my bedroom window at about 11:15 this morning, waiting for Caleb to pick up his glasses that he left here two weeks ago. The crane that is between New Toronto St. and the GO Train tracks began to move west at a stately but ponderous rate – probably about 5 km/hour. It became apparent that it is also on one of the train tracks. Very slowly I was able to see that people were harnessing one of those very large grey cubes that look like a modular section of a prefab building. The “stevedores” raised the cube – maybe 3 feet – and then nothing happened for a good half hour. Was it lunch break? I had to leave and when I returned at about 3:30 the cube was gone, the crane was still sitting there, and there is no way that I can tell what happened. I will just have to keep on watching.
Will I master money in such a slow and invisible way? Will I wake up one morning and realize that I’m fully funded for my personal assistants forever, that I have an equally beautiful condo that has a similar view in the same neighbourhood that is fully paid for, that I am able to be generous with friend and stranger alike? So be it!
Childish, isn’t it?!?
It’s been one of those days. The good part was that I went to the pain clinic again and got to try a TENS machine. I was quite doubtful, but the 20 minutes I did spend on it were quite comfortable. I can see that it can be made easily portable. Perhaps it is a useful way to make travelling in airplanes doable again.
Other than that, Helen was sick, and because we only have cell phones around here, nobody knew until 15 minutes into her shift. It was a big disruption to Mike and then Peter jumped in. It’s been a long time since Peter did a day shift. Basically I was pretty tired by the time his 6 hours were up. He was going to go out but he was tired too and fell asleep. Then Mike got stuck in a traffic jam and I was alone, in pain again, for 2 hours.
I didn’t do the stuff I should have done. It reminds me of January when all I could do was sit and play Freecell because my brain was too bloody tired to imagine doing anything else. Probably I should just go to bed!
I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I keep trying to make things work – to fix the broken systems. For years we’ve used a manual that we wrote ourselves, and that I update regularly, performance reviews at least once a year, sometimes more often, mentors for the staff, circle meetings, circle teleconferences, etc. In the end, things get fucked up just about as much as when I don’t bother. It probably would be a lot more helpful to me personally if I just accepted that things get fucked up. I haven’t been left stranded since about 1975, I haven’t died, I still have a home and don’t have to declare bankruptcy yet, lots of people admire my work and are inspired by me – and so far so good – I can still pay my staff. I can imagine that I could be satisfied. But I’m not! I’m grumpy!
I think it’s the money thing. I have written about it before a couple of times. Money used to come quite easily to me even though I took no particular pains to hang on to it. Now, it’s always a one month to the next thing. Largely I am very successful. 15 months in this apartment and the rent has been paid on time each and every month. Just the same, I get anxious when I can’t see beyond two weeks from now. I feel like I’ve lost my luck or my nerve or something. I get brought down by that funny feeling that somehow I’m not carrying my weight. I am, but I don’t feel like it.
It’s ridiculous and I know it and I’m almost ashamed to admit it. However, the weight is there in my head, in my words, in my language, in my thinking and in other people’s way of thinking and it has somehow crept into me.
It is my intention to not pay any more attention to it, and in fact to create something much more empowering. It is my intention to be at peace, and not brought down by this invented sense of scarcity.
At the same time, there is work to be done to find and/or raise the money that I need, and I’m not doing the work. That is what must change. That is what I am committed to.
Change is kind of a sneaky beast. I was looking out my bedroom window at about 11:15 this morning, waiting for Caleb to pick up his glasses that he left here two weeks ago. The crane that is between New Toronto St. and the GO Train tracks began to move west at a stately but ponderous rate – probably about 5 km/hour. It became apparent that it is also on one of the train tracks. Very slowly I was able to see that people were harnessing one of those very large grey cubes that look like a modular section of a prefab building. The “stevedores” raised the cube – maybe 3 feet – and then nothing happened for a good half hour. Was it lunch break? I had to leave and when I returned at about 3:30 the cube was gone, the crane was still sitting there, and there is no way that I can tell what happened. I will just have to keep on watching.
Will I master money in such a slow and invisible way? Will I wake up one morning and realize that I’m fully funded for my personal assistants forever, that I have an equally beautiful condo that has a similar view in the same neighbourhood that is fully paid for, that I am able to be generous with friend and stranger alike? So be it!
Friday, November 19, 2010
November 19, 2010
As I was checking dates today I realized that I have been writing for more than a continuous month. This will be the 34th posting in this blog. I am “chuffed” as I somewhat expected that I would have missed a day by now, or written less than 2 pages or given it up all together. So far so good for me. I’ve never run out of gas either since owning my first car in 1980 (a yellow Fiat), except for the time that a block of ice severed the fuel line and the gas all ran out in ten minutes –I don’t count that one!
A funny thing happened today… Sometimes the Morphine hits me more than others, especially the evening dose. Tonight I was listening to some Moody Blues in my I-Tunes on my laptop. When Jay was here from Phoenix during our birthdays he left about 22 days worth of music in my folder. I’m not a big listener to music anymore and Jay likes a lot of stuff I don’t it seems, but at supper in bed tonight I found this familiar album from the late ‘60’s.
I realized that the last time I listened to this particular album I was likely stoned too – much more stoned than I am tonight and on a very different, non-prescription drug – but still in a recognizably similar state. Ah, it takes me back!
It felt humourous and good - a recognition and a bridge to a very different yet familiar version of myself. In many ways I am happier now than then, and I NEVER could have imagined today from the perspective of that day. The similarities are there, though. I am still idealistic, searching, self-centred and committed to making a real difference.
My circle meeting was intense last night, leaving Mike and Kimberly put off to some extent. Thank God Gloria was here today. She got sick last night and missed the circle meeting but came today to collage and lunch with me. She has a great connection with Mike and I expect a growing one with Kimberly. We talked together and told many stories about Scott and his supporters, trials and joys of previous trips to Georgia, and of the kind of clashes people have when they care, when they are confronted and when finally they are honest with each other.
Of course both Mike and Kimberly are 25 years old. I am frequently and stereotypically confronted with the depth of their passion, energy, creativity and intelligence and how differently they look upon or simply are unaware of how I, and now my circle, see risks, fatigue, areas that need more careful attention or even some potential directions to take. To me my age shows up most around them. I both want to and don’t want to think and be like them. It seems both wonderful and exhausting.
I guess that it is a blessing that I am not young and they are not old. So far we have been able to work out an amazing variety of ideas and issues. I will do my best to keep it clean and good, not because of either them or me, but because the possibility of World Peace through Inclusion will do so well in their hands.
I am writing this while I am still in bed. Nick and I finally rigged up my laptop and Morse Code so I can use my interface while I am semi lying down. All the pieces that are necessary were in my bedroom. I just didn’t see the last essential part until this afternoon. How often we can’t see what we are looking at!
The collage I did today is about me being reluctant to stick out. Of course I love to have everyone’s attention too. But there is a fear that shows up when I get close to noticing I’m a leader.
After I finished the collage I saw that it has many eyes and points of light in it. It’s hanging over the foot of my bed. I hope I dream about it tonight.
A funny thing happened today… Sometimes the Morphine hits me more than others, especially the evening dose. Tonight I was listening to some Moody Blues in my I-Tunes on my laptop. When Jay was here from Phoenix during our birthdays he left about 22 days worth of music in my folder. I’m not a big listener to music anymore and Jay likes a lot of stuff I don’t it seems, but at supper in bed tonight I found this familiar album from the late ‘60’s.
I realized that the last time I listened to this particular album I was likely stoned too – much more stoned than I am tonight and on a very different, non-prescription drug – but still in a recognizably similar state. Ah, it takes me back!
It felt humourous and good - a recognition and a bridge to a very different yet familiar version of myself. In many ways I am happier now than then, and I NEVER could have imagined today from the perspective of that day. The similarities are there, though. I am still idealistic, searching, self-centred and committed to making a real difference.
My circle meeting was intense last night, leaving Mike and Kimberly put off to some extent. Thank God Gloria was here today. She got sick last night and missed the circle meeting but came today to collage and lunch with me. She has a great connection with Mike and I expect a growing one with Kimberly. We talked together and told many stories about Scott and his supporters, trials and joys of previous trips to Georgia, and of the kind of clashes people have when they care, when they are confronted and when finally they are honest with each other.
Of course both Mike and Kimberly are 25 years old. I am frequently and stereotypically confronted with the depth of their passion, energy, creativity and intelligence and how differently they look upon or simply are unaware of how I, and now my circle, see risks, fatigue, areas that need more careful attention or even some potential directions to take. To me my age shows up most around them. I both want to and don’t want to think and be like them. It seems both wonderful and exhausting.
I guess that it is a blessing that I am not young and they are not old. So far we have been able to work out an amazing variety of ideas and issues. I will do my best to keep it clean and good, not because of either them or me, but because the possibility of World Peace through Inclusion will do so well in their hands.
I am writing this while I am still in bed. Nick and I finally rigged up my laptop and Morse Code so I can use my interface while I am semi lying down. All the pieces that are necessary were in my bedroom. I just didn’t see the last essential part until this afternoon. How often we can’t see what we are looking at!
The collage I did today is about me being reluctant to stick out. Of course I love to have everyone’s attention too. But there is a fear that shows up when I get close to noticing I’m a leader.
After I finished the collage I saw that it has many eyes and points of light in it. It’s hanging over the foot of my bed. I hope I dream about it tonight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)