Today I was tired. The pain is now creeping into my nights. I went back to sleep after breakfast and slept solidly until 1pm.
I awoke after a short and vivid dream. I was observing myself lying on my side, perhaps in a more foetal position than usual. I was physically represented just as I actually am, with some emphasis in my dream awareness of the wounds done to my pelvis and leg bones when my hip joints were removed 39 years ago. At the same time I was aware that this person lying before me was the infant Judith.
As I was waking up I understood myself to be receiving a message from my physical body – which is very like the body of an infant in many ways. That message is: “I am willing!”
This is no small message. If I am to continue to live fully in Cycle 3 my body will continue to bear much wear, suffering and strain, though I am now more aware of what it needs and conscious of wanting to provide for this foundation. I am “willing” is a message I am giving to myself in the certain context that the path will continue to be arduous.
Sometimes I speak to my personal assistants about willingness. When a person is committed to accomplishing something that is complex or difficult there is a natural (or at least cultural) tendency to rely on external benefits and perks to keep on working or participating. Money, meals, acknowledgement, public recognition, extra breaks, introductions to people who can forward one’s career and other additions to regular compensation can “sweeten the deal” as it were. However eventually these will usually fail and a person will find themselves resenting the task they originally freely chose.
At this time a person has the choice to learn or recreate the capacity to sustain their own willingness to bring the best of themselves to their commitment. This can include of course making requests for necessary changes in the circumstances. My point is that making these requests and having them met will not support renewed comfort and happiness in keeping the commitment if a person does not also restore their own willingness to carry on.
This is not the first time in my life when I have faced the necessity of restoring my own willingness. I simply did not understand until this morning that I was face to face with this essential choice.
Certainly when I was deeply ill in early October I questioned my will to live. This moment was qualitatively different. Then the issues I faced were physical too but they revolved around the serious infection, the collapse of my bladder function and the urgent need to undertake difficult treatments that were somewhat harmful in their nature and were not guaranteed to succeed.
The current issue is of a different quality. If I live a full life of expression and accomplishment in Cycle 3 I will continue to cause wear and stress on my body. I am learning to be more gentle with myself. Still my path won’t be that different, the resources likely will be similar and my imagination will probably continue to dominate my other capacities. My body will continue to be the overladen burro of my great adventures.
In the face of this demanding job description I am humbled and grateful that, at the core of my existence in this world, my body is saying: “Yes”.
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