November 21, 2010

Last night I monetized this blog. I decided to do so because WPIT needs ongoing funding and this seems to be one easy way to have an income. We’ll see. I figured that readers these days block out such stimulate and if the mere fact that a number of people see the ads makes a financial difference then it’s worth it. I apologize if anyone is truly offended. If you are, let me know, because clearly I can stop it if it’s a real issue.

I guess I have crossed my self imposed watershed – again. To invite advertising and money is clearly to move beyond expression to communication. After writing for more than a month the two seem like both sides of the same thing – like the palm and back of a hand – distinct but inseparable.

I am contemplating the third dose of Morphine for the day. It’s after 10:30pm so likely I will just sleep instead. Two and a half days in bed and one half up, acceptable “poos” on all three days, lots of good clear peeing and still the pain has been brutal. I am discouraged!

I got offered a chance to buy another elixir tonight – at $80 for a month’s supply. It feels something like being held hostage.

Writing two pages seems undoable tonight too. I imagine ways to cheat! Of course I define cheating.

I was talking last night with Mike about how much I have written over the past ten years or so. I have taken steps on three occasions to write a second book (or third if I count my input into “From Behind the Piano”). Now I have three blogs. There are also a number of articles, letters, lengthy e-mails and other documents. Somehow none of it has gelled in my imagination into enough of a theme that I can design a coherent approach to a book.

Perhaps I need to dump copies of a representative sample in front of an editor and get knowledgeable help.

Writing “What’s Really Worth Doing…” in 1993 was a very different story. (Is that a quibble?) It was urgent and it was done essentially in eight days. For many years now I have wanted to write but there is no such urgency nor a clear sense of whom I might be writing to.

How come there can be urgency, drive, energy and courage sometimes while for no particular reason I can perceive procrastination rules most of the rest of the time?

When I was a child my body handled its blood sugar, its elimination and more. Now I am the manager and I consistently measure my inputs and outputs. As a child my reasoning and emotions were tempered and guided by others. Now I get to handle all that. It seems that getting older brings with it a series of shifts where some aspect of life – handling money, sobriety, work/life balance and much more – suddenly move from being simply experienced in some sort of automatic, unconscious way to requiring some sort of consistent, even complex, structure of intention, balance and limitation.

Is this what this relentless pain is all about? Is there yet another way that I must grow up and be responsible?

If so, where’s the g d manual??