Jen was here today (the masseuse) and will be again on Friday. We have reached another higher step in my managing and being with my body and my pain. This is even more miraculous given that yesterday I felt flattened - virtually defeated - by how unbearable it was to sit and even lie down.
In her remarkably intuitive way she found an older injury, from when I was eight, and released the shock, judgement and distrust looked in my nerves, muscles and bones. With the release came tears, doubt, pain and with them joy, laughter and tentative willingness to believe that I can forgive myself and others for the awkward and incompetent ways we handle ourselves and each other.
The acupuncture needles went deep today, one drawing a little blood. When there is pain, it is the good pain, like picking an itchy scab, that comes with letting go of something that long ago served its purpose and now must be discarded.
I am now wearing in my left ear five acupuncture “seeds” – tiny pin-like devices that stimulate an energy meridian when pressed. The pressing is mildly painful. I have had one in particular pressed several times today, when I felt hip pain building. It has been six hours that I have been sitting up and I went to Lorraine’s class tonight to talk for an hour and a half. I am nearly pain free, though tired.
Could it be that I have actually found the path that permits my body and my purpose in life to cooperate? Today was the first time in nearly a year and a half that I have felt confidence in the options available to me!
The rest of this day has had a very different flavour. I’m working on five different fronts. (I am tempted to write “suddenly working” but it’s just not that way. This busyness has been building since my birthday.) The Book of Judith, Laser Eagles, World Peace through Inclusive Transformation, the Wisdom City Team, and even Leos Skilled Caregivers have all been part of my life for years in one way or another. Today they all want something from me NOW.
It seems that as I am completing this transition I have become stronger and clearer about what I want to contribute to and get from these “doing” areas of my life. With this clarity and renewed courage have come both genuine partnership and a great deal more engaged conflict.
So now I am busy, and even double booking myself. I am achieving more and also forgetting to do certain things again. And – most interestingly – I am engaged in many more intense conflictual conversations. These are somewhat like fights, but not really. They are, or have the potential to be, ways for people to be honest, to release fear and anger and to also say what they really are unwilling to do or be. Less hiding and greater honesty can lead to much cleaner and effective work.
Previously I avoided such conversations. Now I nearly enjoy them, or at least they frighten me much less. I believe that this fundamental shift that is now happening is that I am allowing myself to recognize that I don’t do things perfectly nor do I have to. This means that I know I am capable of unintentionally doing harm and that I can recognize and clean up what doesn’t work. With less to avoid or hide I am experiencing an “OKness” in being powerful and active. My energy is up, I am nearly TOO busy and I am happy!
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