It’s very late and I am just getting down to the writing. It’s so tempting to simply dig up another old article. If I can’t find one I can feel good about, then there are so many old e-mails. It would take much more digging and editing to reuse them. I have promised myself for years that “someday” I will do just that – dig and edit – pan for gold?!?
But I don’t want to lose the discipline of writing to bring forth expression over communication. Reusing what I have done before is not the same as newly writing. I am not saying I was “bad” to post articles for three nights. It was a sort of expression for sure – an expression of me accommodating to a “waiting” time within myself. But posting old articles is not the process that encourages me to dig in and reach for as yet uncreated words that are true for me right now.
It is a new discipline for me to not be trying to prove something to someone. When I have written before this blog I was either trying to find my own voice within a space where many other voices were tempting me or insisting that I say something else, or I was trying to push back another – usually hegemonic – voice, or I was trying to explain something. It is not that those impulses are not present now – they are! Rather this writing is intended to be more like painting. It is more about seeing differently who I am for no other reason than seeing it.
It is not a pure motivation. It is all jumbled together. I do, however, get real, seemingly accidental, glimpses of created point of view – me simply perceiving.
It’s worth writing at 11:30pm to get those glimpses and I don’t want to get too lazy to keep the space within which they occur.
Jen, the masseuse, was here today. She has begun to focus some of her time on my head – cranial-sacral work. Working near my eyes brought a new vision. I saw two divergent rows of crystal butterflies, still and hard, translucent and shining, and yet vibrantly alive.
I believe that I have great capacity for creativity and for dreaming. In this vision I had the impression that I have much greater capacity for creativity and for dreaming than I have been aware of – in the sense that I did not realize that such a capacity was available to a human being – not just not available before to me.
I had (have?) a deeper sense of the value of dreaming. I dream powerfully. In this world the time given to dream is greatly truncated. In this vision I felt grateful and centred in acknowledging my role and gift as a dreamer. I could clearly see that, although dreaming isn’t all there is to creating reality, it IS fundamental, and not just at the beginning of things, but all the way through.
My odd body includes a vast projection room where dreaming goes on continuously. My oversized head includes a brain within which unlimited “holographic” designs of potential futures are easily constructed and shifted. Apparently my capacity is exceptional and even largely untapped by ME.
When Sarah, Michael and I were talking to ROM people today I was very strengthened by my awareness that I can continuously dream in spaces where people are saying “No” to parts of the picture. It simply requires a shift, not an end. By the end of our hour together, there was a clear sense that everyone was in “Yes” space!
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