December 12, 2010

It’s really beginning to look a lot like Christmas. (I said that already – yesterday!)

It’s been a long time since I shared my “household” with another person, outside of the ongoing presence of personal assistants. Over years of funny and difficult events I have become relatively good at creating the physical, emotional and social space that my assistants need to feel centred in my home and car. Having a continuous need to maintain a workplace within the intimate spaces of my life is a delicate balancing act, and one that I enjoy ongoingly paying attention to. This endeavour quite literally engages a large piece of my emotional availability and is a fulfilling pleasure for me.

Having a housemate is another thing! I realized in the wee hours of this morning that Peter is on some sort of emotional/spiritual journey right now that requires this space to be nurturing and open in ways that I am not familiar with. In other words the control freak in me is getting triggered.

I was once married and I imagine that I might like this sort of intimacy again. Right now I am getting to see why I’m not in that sort of relationship!

The space that assistants need can be bounded by me in ways that are perceived by everyone as legitimate. My supporters, paid and unpaid, agree with me that the fundamental reason for their presence in my life is to ensure that I can both live and participate in ways that work for me. There are endless negotiations and at the root of them is always this center – my life and my participation. This certainty gives a way to find articulation and direction.

Peter is here only in part as a personal assistant. He is also here as a colleague in the community development work of World Peace through Inclusive Transformation. More fundamentally he is living here!

We end up talking about who owes what for toilet paper and food, how loud is too loud, who’s going to pick up what and when, what he should be wearing, and ongoingly about topics I cannot predict – “Do you want to sell these clothes at a discount and make money?” - at times I cannot predict.

Peter’s Father died recently and, as I wrote about yesterday, Christmas clearly brings us back into the arenas of our Mothers, and these are different arenas indeed! This morning I realized that I have front row seats in his unfolding awareness that he is now living beyond his parents.

I don’t mind – I’m just not “ready” – whatever the hell that means!

I think this is one of those “good for me” moments in my life. What I learn and become in this time and space will serve me well as a person who longs to be intimately available outside of my personal support structures.

I simply need to be clear about what my own emotional, physical and social spaces are and be skilful at negotiating them without force and fear, but in love and trust. It’s the being clear that presents my learning curve.

I will keep you posted!